


Winter Break

by Rahenna



Series: Ace of Hearts [31]
Category: Gakuen Heaven 2 ~Double Scramble~
Genre: Advice, Age Difference, Developing Relationship, M/M, Secret Relationship, Teacher-Student Relationship, Vacation, Winter Break, Worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 06:12:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8879005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rahenna/pseuds/Rahenna
Summary: Yuki's vague anxieties about all the recent changes in his life finally bubble to the surface, and he receives guidance and reassurance from the professor.





	

**Author's Note:**

> STARTING NOW EVERYTHING WILL BE POSTED IN ORDER, I SWEAR
> 
> Contains spoilers for Gakuen Heaven 2. If you intend to play the game yourself, reading this may ruin your fun a bit. :)
> 
> Originally posted here:  
> [Adults Always Lie](http://heaven.neo-romance.net/lies/)
> 
> If you want to know more about the Gakuen Heaven series, please visit my fansite for game translations and summaries:  
> [welcome to Heaven](http://heaven.neo-romance.net/)

**Wednesday, December 27, 2017**

"Huh?" I looked up as a shadow fell across my face, eyes widening as I took in the professor's tall, slim form. It wasn't time for a break yet, was it? I glanced down, expecting to see my phone in my hands, but I was still holding the comic I'd picked up back at the end of his last break.

 _Oh... I started thinking about stuff and lost track of time again._ I glanced up, shoulders tensing. _What should I do? He's worried about me, right?_

The professor sat down beside me, leaning forward slightly and turning his body in my direction. "You've been staring at that book for a long time, Asahina. I thought you might have been caught up in the story, but your hands didn't seem to be moving at all. You're just sitting." He reached out, gently tugging on the book, and I let him take it from me and set it on the coffee table. "Is something wrong? You seem tense."

I forced a smile. "Um, I'm not tense or anything... everything is fine, right?"

I'd always been a terrible liar. Everyone told me so, and I knew that my words came out as halting questions instead of confident statements any time I tried to say something that was less than the complete truth. It was kind of pathetic.

Instead of scolding me for evading the truth, the professor smiled, stretching out one hand to brush his fingers through the hair at the side of my face, fingertips barely tickling my cheek. "No, I don't think everything is fine. I've been far too focused on trivial work to realize that you've been lonely, or anxious about something, or both. I don't want that. This is supposed to be a precious event, isn't it, our first real stretch of time spent together? But I've been ignoring you. I'm sorry, Asahina."

The blood rushed to my face, and I ducked my head, embarrassed by the unexpected apology. "Ah, no, it's okay, I know you have a lot of work now that you're assistant director again... you don't have to worry about me, I can take care of myself."

Still, I couldn't meet his eyes as I protested, and my face got hot. Why couldn't I keep all of my feelings from showing on my face? I didn't want the professor fussing over me like I was a small child who needed constant attention, distractions, and snacks. Since he was so caught up in work, I felt extra self-conscious every time I got up to do something, whether it was to check the fridge, plug in my cell phone, or get the next volume of the comic I'd been reading. He didn't really comment on what I was doing, but I felt his eyes on me as I moved around the apartment, and I couldn't help feeling that I was distracting him from his work.

"My work can wait. You're my lover, Asahina, you shouldn't be bored when we're together. Anyway, I want to take care of you a bit."

My blush deepened. I was sure the professor thought it was because of the word _lover,_ but that wasn't it. _I don't want you to feel like you have to take care of me..._

"Um, you don't really have to do that..."

He leaned closer, trying to catch my eye. I couldn't avoid him, not without turning away, and that would only make things worse. I glanced up, making eye contact for a few moments before lowering my gaze again.

"What's wrong, Asahina? You've been restless all morning, wandering around every few minutes, and after lunch you just sat here without doing anything. If I'd realized sooner..."

Whatever the professor said after that, I didn't hear it, tuning him out as my thoughts churned. I was restless, it was true, but not because I was bored. It was because my mind wouldn't keep quiet. There had been doubts bubbling around in the back of my mind for a while, a hazy sense that things weren't exactly how they should be, but with the excitement of school and student council and tutoring and weekend visits, I hadn't had time to really think about it. Only now, sitting idle while the professor worked, trying to wait patiently for his next break, had those thoughts managed to come to the surface. 

_I don't know what I'm going to do from now on._ My hands squeezed together in my lap. _Everything changed for me this year... everything that seemed certain, now it's all gone..._

"Asahina?" A hand waved in front of my eyes. "Asahina, can you hear me?"

"Wha? Oh!" I straightened up unconsciously, blinking at the professor's face. "I, I hear you, Professor. Sorry, I just..."

"Asahina, what's wrong?" The professor grasped my shoulders and peered at my face. "You completely zoned out for an entire minute. It's not like you."

"I, I don't know... nothing's _wrong_ , really, I just..." I mumbled, then shook my head. That wasn't true. I knew what was wrong, I just couldn't find the right words. _Then try. Just try. Say something._

"Talk to me, Asahina," he said, echoing my own thoughts. His eyes were fixed on mine, slightly narrowed in his usual expression of concern.

My heart lightened a little upon seeing that serious look. Sometimes the professor liked to tease me, and though I knew it wasn't malicious, I couldn't help getting annoyed. This time, though, he looked way too serious for that. Did he have doubts too? A calm, cool adult like him was always in control, right? As I thought that, memories flashed through my mind, our fight during the health fair and those few precious moments when he lost control right at the end during sex.

_You're not always calm... we've argued, you've worried about me..._

That memory helped me find my courage and my voice, words pouring out in a mad rush. "I think I've been thinking about things for a long time, like there's a been a storm far away in the back of my mind, only it's finally come out. A lot of things changed for me this year, and I... I didn't really have time to think about any of it until now. I mean, I had summer break, but we'd just started dating and everything was so new and exciting, I didn't have time to worry about anything. Every day was new and special - I mean, every day is _still_ special, but back then I couldn't believe that I'd really found someone, and that was super exciting, and, and..."

"Breathe, Asahina. You don't have to say it all at once. Take your time."

His tone was warmer and more encouraging than usual, and I felt my cheeks getting hotter. "Y, yeah," I murmured, pausing to take a few deep breaths, attempting to sort out the jumble of words in my head before continuing. "It's just... I had this idea of what I was going to do in the future. I didn't really have a solid plan or anything like that, but I kind of expected that I would go to a normal high school, and after that, I'd probably be my father's apprentice and learn how to bake and how to manage the bakery."

"And then your world was turned upside down when you received that Platinum Paper."

"Well, not exactly then. It wasn't for me, after all, so I felt excited at first, then disappointed after I saw it was a mistake. I mean, everyone wants to go to Bell Liberty... uh..." I swallowed the rest of my words at the subtle change in the professor's expression, the barest tightening of his eyes as his lips pressed together. Ugh, how could I have forgotten the story of his friend, and how the professor had guiltily torn up his own entrance papers and thrown them away? "Er, I mean, it's a pretty big dream for a lot of people, so..."

The professor patted the back of my hand. "Don't apologize for that, Asahina. My personal history shouldn't color your enthusiasm. Besides, it _is_ an exceptional school."

"I know, that's the problem!"

"Asahina?"

"Because! Now I don't know what to do!" My fingers twisted in the fabric of my pants. "Anyone who goes to Bell Liberty can get into any university they want, right? And all the graduates are really talented and super famous, they become pro athletes, or they work at the top of big businesses, they invent new technology or become researchers or do other important jobs. I can't just go to BL School and go right to work with my dad, it would be a waste!" I paused to swallow back the lump in my throat as another idea hit me. "A, and, it's wrong to throw that away, when your friend was so talented and didn't get to go, but someone like me got invited for no real reason... it's really unfair!"

"Asahina, you don't have to concern yourself with--"

I glared at him - I didn't mean to, but I couldn't keep my frustration under control - and banged my fists on my thighs. "Yes I do! Even without the story of your friend, it would still be wrong! It would be super ungrateful, throwing away the opportunity to do something important! I have the chance to make a difference in the world... I could do _anything_ , if I worked hard enough. At first I thought maybe it would be okay to be normal, because Tomo would always be average with me, but now he's going to be a _Suzubishi_ and I'm the only boring regular student at the entire school!"

"Hey," the professor's warm hand pressed against my arm, "you aren't a 'boring regular student,' Asahina. You have an extraordinary honesty and kindness, isn't that why Nao invited you to the school? I still remember how he gushed about that phone call, how excited he was to speak to someone with such integrity. That's why he invited you on the spot. Of course, I didn't agree with his actions at the time, but we rarely agreed on anything."

His words were meant to comfort me, but instead, my shoulders slumped with the weight of it. _How did I forget that? I was the last student Nao-nii invited to the school. He didn't remember who I was, he honestly chose me, I can't disappoint him!_

No, I wasn't going to cry! I chomped down on my lip, wincing at the sharp jolt.

The hand on my arm offered a light squeeze. "Asahina, it's natural to feel lost when your life changes course so drastically, especially when the future becomes uncertain. If you don't mind a bit of advice from someone like me, here's what I have to say: you don't have to force yourself to live up to an imagined potential imposed by outside circumstances."

I glanced up, still pinching my lower lip between my teeth, and made a little questioning sound. 

"It's a little self-indulgent, talking about myself while you're the one struggling with a concern, Asahina, but hear me out. Consider my position, born into a high-profile family, practically destined to become an executive in charge of a multinational corporation. The pressure to live up to those expectations was immense. Everything I did was scrutinized and, often, criticized. I didn't have any serious thoughts about finding another path when I was younger, I simply did what was expected of me. And then I watched as Takuma's dream was crushed, and instead I was the one invited to a school that I would never attend. The school board must have known that."

I offered a silent nod; I knew the story, though I hadn't really considered the expectations of the professor's family. They expected him to be, well, like what Tomo would end up being, if his hunch was right and he actually accepted becoming the heir of Suzubishi. There was no way they'd have let him go to Bell Liberty, a rival company's school, even if he'd wanted to.

He released my arm, folding his arms over his chest. "That one event changed everything for me. Well, there were all the little actions that led up to that event, watching Takuma struggle to achieve the grades that should have been easy for him, the pressure from teachers, the barely veiled mocking from other students. The system was broken, and not just any system, but one that my own family had put into place. My family's school had failed my friend, someone who was clearly more talented than myself. I couldn't stand it. Aimi couldn't either, and we were determined to become teachers who could change that system."

I fidgeted, not wanting to point out that it hadn't worked.

The professor laughed, a harsh and humorless sound. "I know, Asahina, I became the perfect clone of the failures I'd been so determined to replace. And do you know why? Because I let outside expectations get in the way of my dreams and desires. I let my family control me, too much of a coward to break away from their influence, convinced that I owed them something for 'allowing' me to become a teacher. I continued to act like a child, even though I was an adult. Now that I've decided not to let opportunity and expectations determine my course, I can finally become the person I've always wanted to be."

"Always wanted to be..." A small smile came to my lips. "Actually, you've already changed, Professor, everyone says so. Remember at the oden stall, when Dr. Matsuoka said the students don't really understand how you care about them? People are starting to notice now."

Professor Sakaki snorted quietly, averting his eyes, and I thought there was a hint of a blush on his cheeks. "Never mind that, Asahina. The point is, rejecting expectation was my path to fulfillment. I had to throw away ties to my family and all of their business connections, which may hurt me in the long run, but I couldn't make any progress. Sure, I could have worked in school management on their side, but I wouldn't have been free to make changes or improvements. All they want to do is keep squeezing out elite students and turning a profit. Helping the students overcome their challenges or develop their talents and interests isn't important. But it's important to _me_."

"Um..." I was quiet for a minute, considering his words. He must have realized that I was thinking, because he stayed quiet until I was ready to speak again. "So... you're saying I should just go with the original plan, and not worry about how BL School could change things for me?"

"No, Asahina, I'm saying you should discard _all_ plans and expectations unless they're personally meaningful to you. You're concerned about making a difference or doing something important? The first step is figuring out how to define those things. Here." He reached out, poking the center of my chest. "You already know the answers, right here. You're a simple person, Asahina, and I don't mean that in a negative way. You're in tune with your gut feelings of right and wrong, you know what makes you happy and fulfilled. The only thing you still need to learn is that you don't have to be high-profile to make a difference in a meaningful way."

I turned those words over in my mind. No one had ever given me that kind of advice before; all I'd ever heard were encouragements like _reach for the stars!_ and _take full advantage of all the opportunities set in front of you!_ The idea of seeking a quiet happiness in an ordinary job or life was, well, it was really weird.

 _But the professor..._ I glanced first at his face, then over at the breakfast table, which was covered with his lesson planning materials. _You could have been anything, and this is what you chose. That's... it's really brave, isn't it? Choosing something ordinary instead of being rich and famous._

My heart felt light, warmed by pride. This was the person I admired, the person I loved. I reached out for his hand, clasping it with both of mine. "Professor..." I didn't know what else to say. I could only hope that my tone was enough to let him know how happy I was in that moment.

"Asahina," he echoed, leaning in to catch my eye. His smile right then could have melted my heart, tender and sincere as he watched me like I was the most precious thing in the world. My face got hot, and I had to lower my eyes after a few moments. He laughed, reaching out to brush my cheek once with his free hand. "Have you thought about what you really want to do, Asahina? It's okay if you're not sure yet, you have time."

"Mm," my blush deepened as that hidden dream floated to the front of my mind, "I... kind of have an idea, but it's stupid."

"Don't say things like that, Asahina, you'll make yourself believe it. If you have a goal in mind, you should try working toward it. Is it something you're not prepared to do yet?"

I shifted about on the couch cushion, uncertain. "W, well, I'm pretty good at part of it already, I think. Um, you're really not going to laugh?"

"I'm really not going to laugh."

"O, okay." I hesitated for a few more seconds before squeezing my eyes shut and confessing, "Um, it's not a real job or anything practical like that, but... I want to try foods from all over the world, and maybe write about them, so other people can know how amazing they are. But if I'm honest, I just want to eat them..."

He was going to laugh, I knew it.

Somehow he didn't, but I could hear the smile in his voice as he spoke. "I should have known. Well, I have to admit, I wouldn't mind joining you on that journey. I consider myself a bit of a foodie, though my tastes are a bit more..."

I cracked one eye open. "Adult?"

The professor was trying not to smirk, and it was making his face look all funny as he tried to force back a grin. "I was going to say _refined,_ but that works too."

"Refined sounds a lot better..." I bit my lip, blushing. "But trying different foods is more of a hobby than anything else. If I really had to write detailed articles about food, well... I'm not very good at writing, and maybe it would stop being fun if it was a real job with deadlines and stuff. So I don't know what I actually want to do."

"You don't have to make that decision now, Asahina, you can hold off for a while and consider it carefully. The first couple years of university are mostly general courses, so you have a good three or four years to explore the possibilities."

I lowered my eyes. _But what if I don't go to university?_ "Yeah, that's right..."

A warm hand rubbed my shoulder. "It's fine to be unsure. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do until that incident in middle school, and even then, I wasn't sure which subject I wanted to specialize in. The answer will come to you in due time. You don't have to choose a career now, and there's no law saying you can't change to something else later on if you find a new passion."

 _It's fine to be unsure._ Those strong words should have soothed my anxiety and settled my heart, but instead they stirred up the rest of the troubles that had been nagging at me. I wasn't used to being unsure about my future. The path I'd imagined for myself had disappeared into a thick fog, and no amount of squinting at the road would make it any clearer. I had to walk it in order to figure out where it was leading, and that made me hesitate. It wasn't like me, but I couldn't seem to get my feet moving again.

_Because we're together, Professor... what's going to happen in my future now? Of course I'm not going to let go of you, not ever, but I don't know what to imagine for myself now._

Before, when we'd first started dating, the thought of graduating and no longer having to hide that we were a couple had been an exciting goal. I still wanted that more than anything, but...!

"Asahina, you're awfully quiet today. Is something else bothering you?"

Of course he knew there was more. It's not like I'd ever been good at hiding my feelings. Attempting to deny it wouldn't make things better. _But what if you get mad? I don't know if I can explain this the right way..._ I peeked up at the professor's face, stomach flopping as I took in his anxious look. I didn't want to hurt him with my clumsy explanation of the ungrateful worries that were floating around in the back of my mind. But I couldn't hold back anymore. Trying to hold it in would just make things worse when it finally came out.

"Well... you know how I said I'd thought I'd end up becoming my father's apprentice after high school? And I'd learn how to bake and how to manage the bakery?"

The professor nodded. "Of course."

"Um... well, that's not the only thing I imagined about my future." I looked down at my clasped hands again, heart beating so hard I could feel it in my throat as I continued. "I, um, thought I'd be just like my parents, you know... I'd, um, get married and have a kid or two, and I could pass the bakery on to them. Stuff like that."

"I see..." Professor Sakaki leaned closer, trying to catch my eye. "So it goes deeper than simple worries about measuring up to the potential that the school is opening up for you. Let me ask you this, Asahina: do you actively _want_ to get married and have children?"

I lowered my eyes, quiet for a few moments as I considered it. "Um, I haven't really thought about it that deeply, I guess. I just assumed, because that's what everyone does, that it would happen to me some day too." A faint smile came to my lips. "Well, I think it would be nice to have kids. I'm an only child, and both of my parents are the youngest in their families, so I didn't have any cousins who were younger than me. I don't know what it's like to take care of a kid, but... thinking about it makes me feel kind of warm inside."

My heart sank at the professor's sigh; was he disappointed? _I mean, since he's always liked guys, he probably doesn't care about kids or want to have them around, right?_

"Warm inside... that's very like you, Asahina." Instead of the expected disappointment, his voice sounded a bit sad. "It's hard to be a teacher and watch students pass through classes without knowing what happens in their futures. And by the time they reach high school, they're already fully-formed people who only need a bit of refining and growing to become adults." He paused, letting out a another sigh. "Maybe I should try teaching younger students for a while."

I eyed him, not sure how to interpret his words. "Professor... does that mean you want kids?"

His smile was a bit pained, and he averted his eyes, mumbling, "Don't worry about that, Asahina."

My heart sank. No, it was more than that; my heart crashed into the pit of my stomach, cold and heavy and frantically beating. _I didn't know. I never knew... of course the professor has hopes and dreams, but I never asked him, I only assumed..._

More words poured out of me, propelled by the mess of emotion inside. "But I _do_ have to worry about all that stuff! Because I can't give you kids! And I'm not good at cooking, I don't know about taking care of a house or anything, the only thing I'm good at is cleaning." I closed my eyes, not wanting to see his look of betrayal or disappointment as I added, "And, and I'm not even sure I'm mentally prepared to be your wife!"

The professor sucked in his breath. "Damnit, Asahina," he growled.

My eyes flew open, blood rushing to my cheeks as I stared at him. He was angry, eyes narrowed and brows drawn, jaw set as if he was trying to resist the urge to grind his teeth. I felt sick. My stupid mouth saying whatever it wanted, my stupid brain, unable to find the right words to explain my feelings, they were always causing trouble. _That's not what I meant!_ My vision blurred. _He thinks I'm not happy with the way things are, that I'm not grateful for him loving me... I_ am _happy, but I'm confused, I don't know what happens from now on..._

"Asahina, no," his voice was soft and gentle, his hands unusually cold against my cheeks as he caught my face and looked directly at me. Were his fingers trembling? "Don't cry. It's not you. I'm not upset with you, Asahina."

I swallowed back the lump in my throat. Even so, my voice was hardly more than a whisper. "But I just said something awful..."

"You did, but it's not your fault, and it's not awful for the reason you think it is." Cool fingertips brushed away the tears that had gathered at the corners of my eyes. "This is _my_ fault. Well, it's the fault of false stereotypes perpetuated by media and society and idiot teenagers whispering in locker rooms. But it's mostly mine for not realizing all that garbage had taken up residence in your mind."

He lowered his hands with a sigh, and I reflexively reached up to touch the place where they'd been, the warmth of my fingers chasing away the lingering chill of his touch. "Um..."

The professor pressed one hand to his own forehead, frowning. "I'm an idiot, Asahina. Of course you don't know anything about how a gay relationship works. This is your first time dating anyone, and with so much misinformation out there..." He shook his head. "I can't believe I didn't address this earlier. Maybe I assumed that your health fair research was enough, or that your natural understanding of people and relationships would fill in the blanks."

I frowned, struggling to remember what the things we'd researched for the health fair had said, but my mind remained blank. I was sure there had been information about same-sex couples; in fact, I'd been the one who'd insisted upon it, wanting to offer quiet support for Arata-san and anyone else who might have felt left out otherwise. But somehow I hadn't paid attention, or thought to apply that information to my own situation, probably because the research I'd done had stirred up other problems. My cheeks colored. "Um... I know it was in the health fair stuff, but..."

"We were too busy dealing with other issues, right?" The professor offered a weak, humorless smile.

My cheeks prickled at the memory. "Well... yes..."

"Don't dwell on that, Asahina, that was my mistake and it was my responsibility to correct it. Just like now." The professor reached out, clasping one of my hands with both of his. "Let me make this very clear, Asahina: I do not want anything resembling a wife, either physically or in terms of filling a role in a relationship. Putting aside the problem of whatever you assume this 'wife' role is supposed to be, you're _not_ a woman. You wouldn't be sitting here now worrying about that if you were, because I wouldn't have spared a single glance for you."

I lowered my eyes. "I know that... I know, but..."

"But?"

I fidgeted, sure that he'd be annoyed with my response. "But when you compare the two of us, you're obviously the man in our relationship..."

Professor Sakaki let out a ragged sigh, pulling his hand back. When I glanced up, he was actually holding his head in his hands, fingers digging into his scalp. "Asahina, no. Stop right there. What did I _just_ finish saying?"

Maybe he wasn't expecting an answer, but I said, "Um, that you're not interested in women...?"

"Fine, before that, then. I said I don't want a wife or someone who fills whatever kind of stereotypical wife role you happen to have in mind." He lowered his hands and looked at me, frowning. "No one in this relationship is 'the girl' or somehow less than the other, for whatever reason you're imagining. No one here is expected to cook or clean or otherwise be a good little housewife who submits to an overbearing husband, like the kind you see in TV dramas. Not you, and not me. You're not any less of a man because you're younger or shorter or have less life experience. I've been trying to tell you that all along, not directly, but through my actions."

"O, oh... Well, it's true that I never really felt like the girl when we were together..." I scratched at the side of my head. "I just... thinking about it later... um."

He heaved another massive sigh. "Obviously I should have been more direct and careful. Have I been doing things that make you think of yourself as taking a female role, Asahina?"

I pulled my lip into my mouth, considering it. "Um... I don't think so. Like I said, I don't worry when we're together, only when I'm thinking about things later on. It starts with happy thoughts, stuff like how I can't wait to see you again, and how I'm really lucky that someone like you loves me." A warm blush spread across my cheeks. "Because you're the ideal man. You're cool and confident, really mature and smart, tall and handsome and always dressed really well. And I'm... not any of that."

The professor snorted. "Asahina, I'm not half of those things you've so generously assigned to me. You're idealizing me. Does a confident, mature man cling desperately to a grudge from his middle school years? Is it smart to indulge in bad habits like drinking and smoking? And," he leaned in to touch my chin, "who says _you_ get to decide what I find masculine and attractive, Asahina? That's just as individual as a physical sense of taste."

The tightness in my chest loosened its grip a little. "Um, then, what's manly about me...?"

"Your confidence and determination. Your honesty. The way you stand up for what's right, without backing down no matter who or what challenges you. You have mental strength and conviction." He paused for a moment. "And you have a forceful, dominant personality. I find that incredibly attractive. That's what made me want you."

 _Forceful and dominant?_ I smiled a little, remembering something one of my friends had said. "You mean I'm pushy?"

The professor finally cracked a smile. "Well, there's that too, but 'pushy' usually means that someone is annoying and relatively ineffective. Your strength is generally used to support more noble causes. You encourage your friends to improve themselves or fight back against unfairness. You build others up instead of misusing your charisma or position to tear them down."

I squirmed a little. "I'm just being myself. I don't know any other way to be."

"I know. That's what makes you exactly the kind of man I admire and respect." The professor reached for my hand, giving it a light squeeze. "And that's why I don't want you feeling that you're somehow less than me in this relationship, or that you need to fill some sort of stereotyped role that doesn't fit with your identity or personality. You shouldn't be attempting to stuff yourself into a mold that isn't what either of us want. I want a man, Asahina, one that's strong and independent and chases after his ideals. That man is you."

My face was on fire, not used to hearing such grand and sincere praise from the professor. Well, that wasn't completely true. He complimented my personality and honesty often, but I didn't feel like I deserved praise for that. I never thought about my reactions, they just happened on their own, almost like I didn't have a choice. And what was manly about standing up for what was right? Anyone could do that.

_I want to be praised for other things too. I want you to look at me and see a man on the outside, not just on the inside._

"Um... Professor, I'm happy that you like my personality and stuff, but..."

"But what, Asahina?"

"Well, you're always saying stuff about how I'm cute..."

I was looking down at my hands, but the professor leaned forward, tilting his head to one side and peering upward to catch my eye. "Hmm. Don't you think I'm cute sometimes, Asahina?"

I gulped. _H, how did you know?! I've never said it!_ I squirmed, uncomfortable for a few moments, but I couldn't lie, not with the professor smiling at me like that. "W, well... sometimes. Because! You do things that are cute, like right now, with your head tilted like that and smiling! Anyone would think that's kind of cute!"

He straightened up with a chuckle. "I knew it. But," his smile faded, "I've been carelessly throwing that word around without considering the consequences. If you don't like me calling you cute, Asahina, I'll make an effort to stop."

"No, I like it, it's just..." I looked up at him, biting my lip. How could I say what I wanted to say? There was one last doubt floating around in the back of my mind, the one I'd buried the deepest. Now that the problem of being the girl had begun to evaporate, the embarrassing related problem was starting to peek out. "Um... there's something else, but I don't know how to talk about it at all."

"You _could_ just say it, Asahina. It's not like you to hesitate."

Honesty was best, right? "W, well... you promise not to get mad?"

"Asahina, if you're concerned about something, I want you to talk to me, even if you think I'll be disappointed or upset. I don't want there to be any other clouds casting shadows on our relationship." His lips twitched into a faint smile. "Don't worry about hurting my feelings or my pride or whatever. I can handle that. What I can't stand is finding out that I've been hurting _you_ without realizing."

I nodded, knowing he was right. I needed to trust him more instead of imagining a negative reaction without giving him a chance to hear the thoughts I kept hidden. "Okay," I murmured, more to myself than to the professor, and lifted my head, bravely meeting his eyes. His serious look made my heart waver a little, and I forced myself to square my shoulders instead of backing down. 

Still, it was hard to be direct, so my words came out with a bit of hesitation. "It's... when we're together. You know, in bed." I blushed despite myself. "I really like it, and it feels good, but... because I'm always bottom, I can't help feeling like I'm the girl..."

I lowered my eyes, not wanting to see the professor's disappointment. It sounded kind of stupid now that I'd said it out loud, but no matter how hard I tried, I'd never been able to shake that feeling. That's how most people would think about me if they knew. My chest tightened as I remember what Takato-san had said about me: _immoral, indecent._ He'd apologized right away, explaining that he was upset about wanting a relationship too, but if he'd thought of me that way once, maybe he still did. And if a friend thought of me that way, how would strangers see me? Gross and dirty, letting a man do something like that to me, of course I couldn't be a _real_ man.

"Like I'm doing something wrong..."

Tears began to gather, blurring my vision.

Strong arms wrapped around my shoulders, and the professor pulled me to his chest, rubbing his cheek against my hair. "I'm sorry, Asahina... I never wanted you to feel that way."

I closed my eyes. "You didn't do anything, Professor."

"Maybe not, but I didn't do anything to keep you from feeling this way, either." His voice was thick with emotion as he rocked me from side to side. "I can't stop other people from having ridiculous opinions that get into your head and warp your view of yourself. I can't protect you from the things other students say, never considering how their words affect others around them. In that way, I'm a failure. How can I replace those thoughts with something else, when they're ideas that have been floating around in your environment forever? I can tell you firmly that you're not doing anything wrong, that sex is a private and personal thing, and all that matters is being happy with yourself and your partner, but how does that stand up to the mess of misinformation and hate that's become part of popular culture?"

I shook my head. _I don't know. The same ideas that hurt Arata-san... those rumors, the way his own club talked about him, the same would happen to me if people knew, right? There's already lots of rumors about me and what I do on the weekends..._

Professor Sakaki pulled back, stroking my cheek with the back of his hand. "Let me tell you something, Asahina. When we have sex, it's not some weird game meant to reinforce imaginary gender roles, it's physical and emotional intimacy. You've just happened to be bottom this entire time because I foolishly assumed that's what you wanted and expected from me. To be perfectly honest, I prefer bottoming." After a moment, he added, "And that's more than just a slight preference."

My eyebrows shot up into my hairline. "N, no way," was all I could manage.

The professor's smile was a bit sheepish. "Is it that surprising?"

"W, well..." My brain struggled to find an explanation. Professor Sakaki, the bottom? "Oh, you mean when you were young and just started dating, right?"

"When I was young...?" The professor sighed. "I'm _still_ young, Asahina, and I _still_ enjoy it. Does knowing that make you think any less of me?"

"Mmm," I lowered my eyes, brows knitting together as I tried to imagine it. My face got hot as a mental image drifted through my mind, the professor on his back and covered by the indistinct form of a vaguely masculine shape. It was surprising, but... well, I knew how good it felt. Why wouldn't I want the professor to feel good too? Enjoying sex a certain way didn't make him any less masculine or mature or anything. Rather, being able to confidently declare that he liked something that other people might think of as bad or less manly was pretty cool. 

"It's kind of hard to imagine, but no, I could never think any less of you, Professor."

"Right, just like I don't think any less of you, Asahina. I like making you feel good, that's all." His smile grew a bit playful. "It's quite flattering, all those appreciative sounds you make."

"P, Professor! You make noises too!"

He laughed. "Well, that's true."

We sat in comfortable silence for a handful of moments before a question popped up in my mind. "Wait. Professor, if you like being bottom... why haven't we tried that yet?"

"Oh, well, that's..." He quickly averted his eyes.

I leaned closer. "Professor, are you blushing?"

"No, I don't blush," he muttered, cheeks growing darker. "Anyway... it's been a while, that's all. I'm not really used to it anymore. And..."

"And?" I pressed, curious.

He glanced at me, eyes darting away again as he sighed. "Look, Asahina, you don't have any experience topping, right? And you tend to get carried away with things pretty easily." His voice dropped to a mumble as he leaned back into the couch cushions, folding his arms over his chest. "The first few times will be rough, and not in a _good_ way..."

I pouted. "Are you saying I'm going to do a bad job?"

His eyes pointed in my direction for a few seconds before staring straight ahead again. "Yes."

_Ugh, do you have to be so blunt?!_

My heart was fluttering at the possibility. I'd never really thought about it before, perfectly content with the closeness and pleasure of welcoming the professor into myself, but now that the idea had been planted, I couldn't let it go. The professor looking up at me, helpless and wanting, lips parted and panting... well, it wasn't all that different from usual, but!

_I could be inside you..._

The mental image was enough to make me squirm in my seat.

"Buuuut! How am I supposed to get better if I don't try?" I pressed myself up against his side, staring up at his face. Or rather, the side of his face, since he was trying so hard not to make eye contact. "Come on, Professor, you can tutor me, right? You've taught me so much!"

"Those aren't really things I should have been teaching you, Asahina..."

"But we love each other, so it's fine! I want to try this too!" I snuggled closer, rubbing my cheek on his shoulder. "Pleaaase? I want to learn. I want to make you feel good too. I can be careful and go slow, I promise. So, okay?"

It seemed like forever before he turned his face toward me, a faint smile on his lips. "Asahina, you're hopeless. If I don't say yes now, you'll keep begging for the rest of winter break, won't you?"

Was I crossing the line from determined into pushy? Probably. "Well... if you _really_ don't want to, I won't keep asking. But I want to try. That's my honest feeling."

He was quiet for a long time, so long that I thought he wasn't going to answer at all. Then something in his expression shifted, like he'd come to a conclusion. "Alright, Asahina. There won't be a better time than this, a long break where it doesn't matter if I can't walk right for a few days."

"Professor! I'm not going to be that bad!" I grabbed his arm, tugging on it. "Please believe me!"

"Hmph." He shook me off and stood, extending one hand to me. "Prove it, then."

~ end ~


End file.
